One can never be ready for the really bad news.
You can prepare yourself by imagining the worse case. But you can't never be ready for the really bad news.
The really bad news come in the most unpredicted moment.
Just like mines came today.
I had the spring cleaning in the flat today. With the only exception of the defrost water tray in the fridge. A manly job.. (i.e. done by the ex once)
And as I was trying to get ready for a "long time no see friend" who would pop in for dinner, I realised.. I wasn't ready for a visit without te sofa covers dried out properly, neither with my only 2 boneless cicken breasts...
And then I realised I wasn't ready nor for the bad news. A phone call from Switzerland saying they decided to go with the other candidate. 2 months of process, one face to face inteview and 3 phone interviews, loads of hours waiting, I thanked and hung up. Held the top of my head with both hands. And I cried. Icried loud. In the mot miserable after spring cleaning look of my flat, I cried. The cats stared at me.
What will I do now? My home?
Then, not taking the option of cancelling the dinner, I called the grocery shop for a delivery. And when the guy answered the phone, I realised I couldn't talk. I was chocking. The voice said "hello" again. So I made a big gulp and pushed my voice to speak "can I have 2 chicken tighs please?". The voice said "We have packages of three I'm sorry". So I said "Oh, ok then thank you". A meanigless point with a weirdest voice.
How did I cook the boneless breasts with the blur vision of that much fluid running? Here is the recipe:
2 breasts(the chicken's and boneless)
2 table spoon of soy sauce
Fry them in the pan for God's sake!
When he arrived the dinner was ready beautifully so was I bravely.
I didnt talk about the happening. I was so proud inside I didn't.
Welcomed and tossed. "So..since we last met?" I said.
Bad news come in the most unpredicted moments. He said "I lost my mother at the end of this year. I had a phone call from my father on their vacation". A heart attack. Oh, no! She was younger then my mother and too earthly to die.
"Since then, I wake up badly every morning, knowing that.."
I knew that feeling. My tired and dehydrated eyes was filled up again.
This "since then", this "every morning", this "knowing that..", this after loss terrible mornings . This "knowing that.." one doesn't exist anymore. This big hole left after it, living and pushing your self to keep breathing in it.
He tried to change his voice with a new topic: "And I got engaged, then broke up the engagement then was back to her again". I replied "And I was with an alcoholic and lost my job and he disappeared the day I lost my job, never mind" and I smiled.
This is how I was back on Earth and my blur vision was gone. We had a nice chat and laugh.
He was so kind to:despite the burning icy cold defrost water, pull the fidge take the tray out, and even acceped my weird request and waited for me to find my camera and put it in the right mode and in the right position:
I know this is more than a favor.. I must have looked really miserable tonight.
Towards the end of te evening, dad called and invited me over to talk and take a decision together.
One more weird request ..of Randy Crawford's One Day I'll Fly Away in the cd player and I asked him "what will I do now?". The answer was simple: "Go, do what I do recurrently in my dreams lately, go, open your arms and hug your parents". "I hug her but I am not able to feel her mass anymore"
After he left, some more unfruitful Randy time on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. Chiko came and left its mass on my ribs. I felt its warmth, its mass, its breathing and.. the moment. Moving forward.
Came to my bedroom and wrote this post. The cats wake up with a sudden noise. Dunya(means the Earth), the baby next door woke up with a loud sudden cry. The mother woke up and entered the room but the baby went on crying
The business district sparkling behind the woods, seen from my room.
5 years ago